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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
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On the 31st March we found out that I was expecting a baby! To say we are thrilled is an understatement although we are still certainly overwlemed by this as we have all been praying for a new baby for five years now!
It isn't something everyone can relate to- wanting a 6th baby- but it is deep in your heart and you just can't escape the yearning. I think I was born broody as I am baby mad and I just love having babies and raising our children! I chose to home school too for many reasons, mainly religious but not wholly, and so the children are my life and my vocation.
Anyway, back to the 31st, Mark went to Tesco to sneakily buy a pregnancy test as we wanted to know. He was greatly shamed whilst there, as he (cleverly he thought) took the test and the other few items and did the self service so as not to draw undue attention on himself (he is shy)! Anyway, the machine beeps loudly when he tries to scan the test, a lady comes over, grabs the test, holds it high up in the air and yells at another colleague 'How much are these pregnancy tests??'. Mark leaves duly feeling exceptionally embarrassed and swearing it's the last time he ever gets sent out to buy me 'lady items'!
The test went pink immediately, not even after the said two minutes, and I stood there shaking and feeling elated! I rushed out to show Mark and he too, was delighted and surprised (he's always surprised!).
We decided to keep it a secret so we could become used to this amazing news and also because we felt strongly my parents should be told first.
I began to feel sick the very next day, Maundy Thursday, so I spent the Easter Triduum completely sick and vomiting! BUT I am so happy it is worth every retch!
As we are religious it seemed so profound and special that we were carrying this precious news over Easter and on Easter Sunday, when we celebrate the Resurrection and new life, it felt immensely special and full of grace.
Everyone we have told has been so genuinely happy for us which is wonderful. I don't think anyone is as thrilled as the children though. How lovely it was to be told by my 10year old son Samuel that he'd prayed for this every single day, it is such an honour. They are just astounded and joyous and that brings me so much happiness as they respect the sanctity of human life so deeply.
The two little boys, Malachy and Patrick have developed an extraordinary interest in my being sick! They silently follow me to the toilet and then appear just as I am unable to utter 'please go out!' and then they pat me on the back ask if I am okay? and run off. They are not in the least bothered by it and when I asked them if they were disturbed by it, they said they weren't as they know it is my baby and not an illness. Very profound!
I am about 7 and half weeks now which is very early, yet the sickness and vomiting are so severe that I have a feeling all is well. With my two lost babies I felt no sickness at all and by the second loss I knew instinctively something was very wrong.
I see my GP tomorrow at 4.30pm, hoping he will refer me to the JR (our hospital in Oxford) for Consultant care. I feel nervous as I hope he doesn't tell me I am mad or anything as I know this is a big risk having had two abruptions. It feels like it was meant to be and God's will though and I am surrounded by prayer.
Please pray if you can, or send lots of good feeling!
Love,
Amanda
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Rank: Advanced Member
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Amanda
I know I should not write on this blogg
but I had to tell you you all are in my prayers
you were when I heard your wonderful news and will be until your special gift is delivered and you both are safe and sound
take care
special lady
Mary L
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Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Registered
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Thank you Mary!
I so so appreciate your prayers.
Love,
Amanda
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COR Amanda i recon get a scan quick lots of sickness twins ????? two gifts ? ill pray for you christine The chocolate eating housewife ...The washer woman .....naughty lady
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Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Registered
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April 14th
I have a wave of nausea as I get out of bed in the morning but really, it isn't too severe until after I've eaten my breakfast which is when I get sick. But by the afternoon I am retching and being sick and have to have a nap.
Any liquids just set me off no matter what it is! We dropped Marie at her friend's house today and her Mam insisted I had a drink so I chose peppermint tea (regretting it as soon as I tasted it!)...I kept it down but it kept rising up on the drive home! (that's the last time I drink peppermint tea!).
At 4.30pm I saw the GP. He knows me very well as he has seen me through two pregnancies and all the RA and other health issues. He began by working out how pregnant I am which is nearly 8 weeks. He is referring me immediately to the Silver Star team at the John Radcliffe hospital in Oxford. This is for high risk pregnancies of all sorts of problems. I will be under Consultant care for the entire pregnancy and also have to book in with the surgery midwife. I was quite surprised about this but he explained it's because they like to all know what's going on, and the hospital won't do all the general checks.
He said the sickness must be kept an eye on, and if I cannot keep any fluid down whatsover I'll have to be put on a drip- no thanks, so I went and drank a chocoate milkshake (don't ask- the very last thing I would normally choose when of sound mind, but ti was bewteen that and a REAL coke! LOL) and then three glasses of water when I got home!
Blood pressure fine.
He then said to do a urine sample. The nurse tested it and began mentioning something so she called him back in. He says there's a slight trace of a possible infection- this threw me a little as I have no symptoms and he says because I don't then it is probably nothing but he wants it checked. Oh dear, I am sure it is okay but it was a little strange.
I booked in with the midwife for next Tues at the reception and was handed a pregnancy pack; we were rather startled that all this entailed of was a thick booklet of all the pre-natal testing one can have from Downs Syndrome to Nuchal testing, so that went in the bin. We would never ever EVER consider anything other than going through with a pregnancy no matter what was wrong. It just saddened me terribly that a first time Mam would be handed this information just as she's checking in.
I came home and had to make the boy's dinner which was lasagne...hmm, it is increasingly hard to cook and there is no joy in it any more just a ferocious effort to keep from heaving! Ben helped me and when they ate I went and lay down to recover! LOLOL
I have eaten a lovely piece of plaice tonight with lemon and butter, it was gorgeous and is so far still in my stomach!
Love,
Amanda
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 1,110 Location: London
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Amanda, glad you are getting the care you need, and seeing the consultant as a high risk pregnancy. Everything will feel safer for you, and all information will be to hand. I completely understand about the info you were given re downs etc. I felt the same when I was pregnant with Georgia at 39, they insisted on me having the amnioscintosis test, I told them i would keep the baby no matter what, and they thought i was crazy!! Georgia was fine, but if she had an illness, we would have loved her just as much. I spent a long time working with children with various medical conditions, and they are amazing and beautiful children, I would never consider them as any different to an able bodied child. Hopefully you will be ok sickness wise, as I posted on your thread, I had to go into hospital with my first baby for 4 days re severe dehydration and go on a drip, its not that bad honest!!! Will keep you all in my prayers, and hope that all goes well re the sickness. Take care, lots of love x x x BARBARA
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Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Registered
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16th April
I have been far too sick to write much here and anyway I am pretty sure no one wants to hear details of my vomiting! LOL
It has worried me a little as I seem to be sick after each meal and also not to be able to keep much fluid down but I wouldn't say I am dehydrated...I sit very still after food/drink, so still I fall asleep!
Tonight was a little strange and upsetting as my parents rang from Spain to say hello. Neither of them mentioned one word about the baby to me! I was astonished as I was certain they'd ask me about the GP's on Weds but they didn't bring it up. They chatted away as if nothing had changed and asked about the children, Mark, our holiday (which isn't happening now) and other trivial matters.
I felt so upset once we said goodbye, I know it is a truth that pregnant women can cry over anything and everything but this was a truth for me before expecting , let alone afterwards! LOL Even Ben (my 13year old teenangel) commented he thought it was hurtful.
Mark was furious when I told him, he cannot fathom their attitude at all. He probably would have mentioned it himself had they spoken to him but I couldn't do that.
Anyway, Mark has just made me sick! He asked if I wanted anything and I said I'd try a fruit tea (strawberry and berries, quite nice in small doses) and he brought it up, I took a gulp, and it has his fresh ground coffee floating about in it because he has obviously used the SAME spoon!!!!!!!!!! Argh! Bless him, I haven't the heart to yell down to him (I am in bed) as he had to have a BOUGHT pizza tonight! Not that he ever ever complains about food, he is spectacular about things like this, but it is funnty He also made me eggs again as I seem to want lots of eggs which is great and cherry tomoatoes!
I am desperate for my Indian food tomorrow, the craving is so strong I am dreaming about it very single night, along with loads of other dreams. That is also a truth that pregnant women dream often as I never recall my dreams usually!
Hope tomorrow is better with the sickness as it is Saturday and I am picking Marie up from ballet and supposedly taking her to buy new clothes, she doesn't even have a pair of socks which fit her! I'll probably vomit at all the nasty clothes one can buy for teenage girls nowadays as I haven't been shopping with her for four years and buy everything from e-bay, internet or they are seconds from friends! Poor lamb!
Love,
Amanda
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Rank: Advanced Member
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hope you got on ok with the shopping . Wish you could have a scan too see if its twins ha ha christine The chocolate eating housewife ...The washer woman .....naughty lady
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Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Registered
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19th April
I have just about recovered from my shopping trip with Marie! We went to ballet (first) only to find the place all shut up, she was very disappointed. It was Mammy's pregnancy brain that hadn't realised Monday 19th April was actually AFTER Saturday 17th April, ah well, she soon forgave all when I took her to the Costa in Tesco and bought her a caramel frescato! I really shouldn't have been persuaded to have a double choc frescato as after it had dissolved and we were just about to get out the car and embark on girl-shopping, i felt a wave of vomit rising and had to rush to the nearest toilet which was so dirty it made me sick anyway!
Back to the shopping trip. If I didn't feel sick before (which I quite evidently did) i certainly felt sick afterwards! Oh my goodness, why is there nothing floaty, feminine and Little House on the Prairie for my sweet daughter?! I know I live in the wrong era but really, why would a teenage girl want to wear Hello Kitty across her chest? I don't understand.
Luckily, Marie seemed to be a little lost amongst the glitter and cats, and chose some grey leggings which looked like drain pipe jeans (with me nearly fainting but to be honest it was the best compromise and she's promised to wear very long pretty tops with them) and a nice long blouse (shirt, Mam, shirt) and a SKIRT! We don't have a skirt only rule but I do prefer skirts and Marie is pretty happy to wear casual skirts but there were none around anywhere, so we found a size 8 (green eyes) skirt which fits perfectly. Maybe I'll persuade her to wear it this Saturday! LOL
After we'd been shopping for about two hours I was feeling so sick and thought at one point I was going to be sick in the actual clothes department but thankfully Marie spotted the toilet and I dived in there! We then had a drink (no chocolate this time, fruit tea!) and drove home.
I fell on the sofa and went to sleep hardly murmuring a word to poor Mark who was making dinner for four hungry boys who were brown with mud from the garden. They have constructed their own tunnel in the underground through digging and designing. It is quite awesome (although I never admit this in front of them) but the mess and dirt is unbelievable. I was in tears at the mess once I'd woken and the HUGE amount of washing and even my lovely bathroom had dirt and mud on the floor. I received sorry cards the next day and they all cleared up well after Daddy gave a severe warning to them out of my earshot.
I have received so many kind messages and cards from friends about the baby- I think most people are genuinely surprised as they knew how much I longed for a new baby but also knew how bad the RA had become plus the fear of the pregnancy itself.
Please say a BIG prayer for me tomorrow as I see the midwife for the booking in - an hour apparently although with my pregnancy history she'll need two! Mark is here which is good so i won't be worrying about the tunnel or other trivial problems.
I am nervous that it is a midwife I know and she tells me I'm 'mad' or 'silly'. I don't know why i am fretting but I am. Oh well, I will try and be strong!
Love,
Amanda
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Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Registered
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Hi,
This is not a *safe* time to be typing as I have just made the children's dinner and feel very queasy indeed BUT Mark comes home tonight after one whole night away (LOL) ...Can't wait!
Well, my midwife appointment yesterday went very well. She (Ruth) is charming, very sweet and calm. She has told me that considering this is a high risk pregnancy all my care and plan will be decided by the Silver Star team at the hospital and then the midwife will fit in around this. She says it is nice to see each other as she can do all the other tests and chats on benefits etc whereas the hospital is completely medical based.
My urine has shown a water infection which I have to say I am a little disappointed about as I may ahve to take anti biotics. The last time I took them was way back as a teen and having come off ALL my meds it seems a bit annoying, but of course must be done. Thee xtremely embarrassing thing was that when I went to pee inot the tiny sample, I missed completely and ended up with 1/2 inch of wee! LOL I sat there debating whether to even show her or to pretend I didn't really need the toilet, but as I don't lie I felt I should admit defeat over the sample bottle and take it back to Ruth! She roared with laughter ! and then tested it but said she can't send this off and I have to do it again!
My blood pressure was fine (phew) and I said NO to all pre-natal testing, with my breath held, yet she was marvellous and very respectful. She gaped when I said this was the first 'planned' baby! (only planned because I had to come off MTX of course)....
All pregnant ladies now get offered a dating scan which is different. My GP had already requested mine as my dates are never certain but it is looking as the EDD is 25th NOVEMBER! I am a November baby so I feel this is quite special and poignant.
Today in the post I received the date for the scan and am delighted as it is on a Saturday- 15th May- so we can all go together. Mark is extremely excited and will come to all the appointments with me as he always does.
The midwife doesn't listen for a heartbeat so early as she says it can cause more worry than it is worth, which I agree about. If all goes well I will probably see her at 16weeks depending upon the hospital.
Oh yes and the urine showed dehydration too- she says I must drink as much water as I can, or any fluids, as I will begin to feel even worse. It is impossibly hard to now drink with a meal as I cannot help but gulp it back which is the worst thing I can do. I am also having fantasies about coke- this is very bad indeed as we never drink it even though I loved it passionately as a girl! It can make the baby go a little crazy with all the sugar so I am distracting myself each time I go near a shop!
I blamed Patrick's teddy bear, Neb (Ben backward) for eating three of my Easter chocolates last night and he believes me, even thoughI scoffed them thinking it would take away the taste of the kipper I ate! It did!
Love,
Amanda
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keep the blogs coming The chocolate eating housewife ...The washer woman .....naughty lady
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Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Registered
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26th April - Mark's birthday!
I am about to go to bed as Mark is going away tomorrow and it has been his birthday today.....I have done alot of cooking and baking (not usual anymore, sigh) and it has exhausted me. Well, that is not exactly true it was the weekedn which exhausted me....
We went to Leicester on the Saturday and the drive really made me very sick, I am always worse in long car journeys. I was sick once whilst we were there (after lunch, sadly) but all in all managed to keep it all in until the car journey home! LOL Anyway it was worth it to finally meet some lovely friends from the forum.
The next day we drove to Wellingborough for a b-b-q at very close friend's house.. I thoroughly enjoyed a glass of champagne to celebrate Mark's birthday and a watered down Pimms, and after a gorgeous meal, I began to feel the nausea creeping in. I held on by sitting very still with my Godson on my lap (well, as still as one with a 10mth baby clapping on their lap can sit) but it eventually rose up and I was vomiting in the toilet! BUT the journey home was the worst, which was admittedly far far too late (10pm, what were we doing?) and I had to stop about three times to be sick and had a bag held to me face all the way home. I was in bed as soon as I entered the house, I didn't even write Mark's birthday card or wrap his pressie!
So, it is rather debilitating. I am not sure what to do, but will keep a check on it this week. I was sick three times today.....and slept from 4-4.30pm on the sofa before pulling myself up to cook!
Nothing can take the joy and elation I feel away though- I knew if I was to ever fall pregnant again I would be hideously sick as this is what my body does, but it is hard to never complain about it or feel down sometimes. It is something I can offer up for others so i have been concentrating on that.
The children (little two) brought me a picture from the (gross) Guinness book of records (not a present from us!) and showed me the Mam with octuplets and told me I may well be having 8 babies ALL in one go because 'that mammy has!'....ooh what fun they were all saying! Hmm, not ready to explain why I couldn't possibly be carrying 8 babies together!
Will leave that for, oooh another 10 years! LOL
Right, off to stop boring everyine with my tales of sickness and climb into bed with the birthday boy! (Who is leaving us tomorrow for Cambridge for FOUR days, sob sob).
Love,
A
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Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Registered
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27th April
Mark is away, again. This time he has gone to Cambridge to teach a course for four days. He will be home on Friday evening after stopping off at our close friend's house for a coffee. Oh how I detest being alone at night- it is a real fear which I have had for many years which originated from a traumatic experience at 16years and has always been there. I dislike the fact I am not at ease being alone but that's just me. It is slightly easier now my Ben is 5'9 and huge with a deep voice and a small amount of military training!
My sickness is still here like a faithful friend. It doesn't seem to like to leave me alone for more than about half an hour. It usually wanders off just after I have eaten (depending on what) or after I have vomited! For those few minutes life is almost normal again and I either rush around doing the million and one tasks I ahve neglected or I sit there reading.
One of the children (sweeties that they are) pointed out that I haven't been drinking wine for ages! It is obviously very noticeable to them, and I am not surprised. I do have five bottles here and three champagne ones, another one turned up last night as Mark was given it as a birthday pressie and he's tee-total!
He had a lovely birthday- he was given cream cakes at work which I probably mentioned but I didn't say he now has a mini-Henry hoover sitting on his desk! LOL He says it is relaly quite efficient!
I am taking it that I don't have a water infection to worry about as there has been no phone call from my GP about anti-biotics and I am presuming no news is good news although one never knows? We have no answer phone although we've been in alot recently.
Love,
A
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Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Registered
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[size=7]3rd May
The 27th April was my last entry and it seems like a different life now. I could never ever believe that I would be writing about the death of our baby Goddaughter. I have already written what happened down in a reply to the very kind messages I was sent. I would like to thank you too for all the many private e/mails that people took the time to write. I was so moved.
I really thought I may lose my baby over this tragedy, it may sound dramatic but this baby is the world to us and for a few hours I wondered if I was going to miscarry as my grief felt too deep and the sickness left me but I now think it was pure shock and pain. I cannot seem to clear the image of Emma out of my mind when I initially saw her for the first time on Thursday. As I crept up the stairs to her bedroom I prayed silently to find the right words and bring comfort, yet when I saw her curled in a ball on the bed with Marianna's little clothes in her hands, my heart just burst with love and grief. I climbed onto the bed and we sobbed in each other's arms. Her other friend Michelle was sitting on the bed and was also in tears and her sisters. I couldn't actually speak for a long while and I now think that was right as they say if you can't find the right words then say nothing, and that is true. I did say that Marianna is such an angel and how I loved her.
On the day marianna died I received my first hospital appointment, that was sad as I barely looked at the letter and threw it to one side. I read it again last night and I have an appointment with the Silver Star team on 20th May at 10.30am, Mark will write in the work diary that it is important so no one books him out or finds some talk for him to do in Scotland! I am now extremely anxious, even more so about the whole pregnancy than I was before which is saying something. But I am trusting in God and feel I must be calm and try and look after myself.
Of course the main thing on my mind is Emma and also the results of the pst mortem (could be tomorrow) and the funeral arrangements. I just know it will be impossible to bear but we will get through it some how. Her son who is very close with Ben has already told Fr Daniel he wants Ben to serve the Mass of the Angels with him, so this is a great honour for Ben and a real grace.
Mark is upstairs creating a paypal account as we have decided to have a colelction for Emma and Andy to help them cope with this enormouse burden. There is so very little we can actually so so we're hoping this will relieve some of the strain that is upon their shoulders.
My sickness is still there and has returned violently today, oddly the first day since losing Marianna that I have been at home. It is surely because my attention is not upon Emma and so I threw up my lunch and dinner and have barely managed to eat much. I am so tired so i better get some rest as Mark needs to return his company car her had for Cambridge (Mark was actually away when Marianna died which added hugely to my stress and grief.) The car now smells of red wine as he bought Andy three bottles and one smashed in the car! (oops)
Love,
Amanda
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Dearest Amanda, I so, so wish you were not going through this awful situation, but you are so right to feel you need to be calm for yourself and the baby. You must try hard not to feel guilty about your own precious gift, although I know from personal experience - I found this so difficult. You say there is very little you can do - but you are doing SO much - your words show you are such a good friend - you are there for Emma. My sister, Jane told me they would feel so distressed when some people would cross the street just to avoid the uncomfortableness of contact and to avoid the difficulty of not knowing what to say. Jane developed methods herself for helping other people cope with this - she seemed so strong, much stronger than me. I remember long days just sitting with each other - saying little but just being there together, comforting each other. Jane started to write poetry, she wrote a poem for the funeral, for the vicar to read. For Darren, my brother-in-law, I remember hugs - lots of them & less words, lots of listening - we were all there for each other. Paul (my hubby) bottled things up at times, he felt so guilty - we all got through with long deep talks later on and we have never, ever stopped talking about Cameron - he is our little angel in heaven and very much part of the family. There is a little shop in our village run by a pakistani family - the lady is so sweet and at that time 16 years ago could speak very little english - we've taught her lots since then! She made a point of approaching my sister and her husband - expressing her sorrow in very little words but somehow exxplaining how much she cared so much more than words can say. When Jane lost Cameron, we made a truce early on that she could always say whatever she felt, whatever she needed and that she was never to feel guilty about my feelings ever, if she didn't want to see me or Sophie - she just needed to say and never needed to explain. We did have days where I felt so sad and angry too that life had dealt this cruel blow to my precious sister but that conversation meant she was able to be so honest with me about her feelings, she just had to look at me, ring me, cancel things at the very last minute, say the most hardest, deepest feelings out loud, never bottle anything up and somehow or other this helped us both. Please spend extra time just pampering yourself and nurturing your precious gift, May your strong faith and your loving family and friends support you well at this time. Take care with love from Liz xxxxx lizziemouse@btinternet.com
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Dear Lizzie,
I cannot thank you enough for your words and for taking the time to write to me.
I have just saved your e/mail address in the contact list and will e/mail later. We are about to go into town to buy a few things- Emma expressed she would like the children (who want to) to write a small card ad put it into the coffin at Marianna's feet. She loved these rose cards I had and I am going to see if I can find them anywhere. i also want to buy a white Baptism photo album for all the photos.
When the funeral parlour dress the baby, we are going to ask for some locks of hair. This may sound a little strange but as catholics we believe she is a little saint in Heaven now and therefore the hair will be a relic. We have ordered Emma and Andy a small reliquary to out the hair in.
I think that just being with them helps so much and like you say always being open and talking. Because they ahd to move so quickly there is no phone line at the moment so this makes it more tricky as you cannot ring and say you're coming now etc but then in a way it means you have to turn up!
I am going there later with Marie with some cakes. We were going to make the meal for tonight but another friend made so much pasta bake it wouldn't fit in the oven and will suffice for tonight's dinner too!!
They are having their house blessed tomorrow which will be nice too. It is just all so painful and hard to believe- each time I do a relavtively normal thing I feel guilty.
I will write later but thank you for being there.
Love,
Amanda
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Gosh you are going through such a hard time.
My thoughts are with you over the next few days
Rose
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When my brother in law died my sister made a little sign to hang in the porch. If she wanted to be on her own she would show the sad side and if she wanted company she would show the smile side. I just felt I wanted to be with her all the time but I knew there were times when she needed to be alone. You are being a wonderful comfort to Emma and Andy Amanda. YES I'VE CHANGED, PAIN DOES THAT TO PEOPLE.
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Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Registered
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That is such a lovely idea Julie, I like that.
As the phone isn't working yet too it does feel strange just turning up. I have had a few calls today from people asking me to pass messages on. But in a way it makes on just go there!
We have food sorted until Saturday eve now which is great!
Just about to leave now but am feeling so very sick today, it has been particularly bad, it may be because they *may* have heard from the post mortem...
Have my marine bands on now which are not helping...yet! LOL
Love,
A
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
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 Oh Amanda - God bless you all. xxxxx
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